Drunken Chores

Is it weird that I like to come home from a night of alcohol consumption and wash the dishes?

Stylish Facial Accessories

There is an intriguing correlation between balding men and their desire to attract attention away from their barren scalp with stylish facial accessories.  And no, I'm not talking about Cinco Mouth Decorations.

Rather, I'm talking about the mustaches, goatees and beards gentlemen use to distract onlookers from the damaged hair follicles on the posterior surface of their skulls.  Although my hairline continues to recede and I continue to deny its evident withdrawal, I have accepted the fact that I will eventually need to look at said gentleman and decide which facial accessory will be right for me in the future.  So far I'm debating between the Howie Mandel soul patch and the John Travolta handlebar look.

"Hey, I'm bald, but look at this instead." 

-JL

Slideshows Should be Shows that Slide

Refreshing an entire webpage just to load one new picture is as frustrating as a grocery cart with one bad wheel.  I was meandering through the internets today when I found a very average article, something like "41 great holiday gifts for under $100." Curious and dumb like a fly approaching a bug zapper, I opened the article to see the first of the 41 great holiday gifts.  Under the picture was a play button, as if the website might utilize "slideshow" technology, a revolutionary idea that surfaced in the late 1960s.  "Mmmm... slideshow" I thought to myself with glee.  But apparently 50 years was not long enough to master the fine craft of showing slides, as the website refreshed each and every time the "slideshow" automatically continued.  The cojones they had to put "fast" as a slideshow option is dumbfounding because there was no fast way to load the dozens of ads and text lines in the sidebars of this website.  Sure you can slide the bar, but you're basically choosing between placid and stagnant. It would be like reading a book but you have to flip the page every sentence.  And you can't immediately change the page, that would be too convenient.  Instead you have to give it a few courtesy seconds, at which time you question why the heck you're looking at a stupid list like that in the first place.  

Shit is unacceptable.

-JL

Edit: Found this on Reddit, very relevant: http://i.imgur.com/6cbz4.png

Old Man Sports

It isn't fun losing to old people in athletic activities. If an elderly gentleman can best me in a game of chinese checkers I'm okay with that, I know how to check my voicemail so we're even. But sports are an entirely different matter. The last few weeks have been very tough on my man pride as I have been defeated in not one but two of my favorite sports by two old people whose combined age is 138 years old. Sure my grandfather and peppep have mastered their sports over the years, golf and racquetball respectively, but I'm having trouble swallowing my pride on this one.  Fortunately time is on my side, and in another 10-15 years, my dominance in both sports should be as apparent as Sukanya Roy's heroic victory over Toronto native Laura Newcombe in the 2011 National Spelling Bee.

This was a terrible example

-JL

Cultivating Mass

I've always wanted to be more like a bear.  With that in mind, I've decided to try and put on 10 pounds in the next 5 weeks for my winter hibernation.  The best part about gaining weight is that instead of eating vegetables, I can pay homage to my carnivorous ancestors and eat a diet high in animals.  And instead of running outside in freezing cold temperatures, I can lift weights indoors and work towards the body I've always dreamed of having:  the body of a bear.

Me, in 5 weeks

-JL

My First Blog Post

I chose November 29th to write my first ever blog post because on this day every year, it is officially only 260 days until my next birthday, a holiday celebrated around the world since 1989.  November 29th also means it's the end of the month, rent is due tomorrow, and my brain is in full gear trying to make sense of all the craziness that has happened over the holiday.  I'll recap the major happenings in a neatly organized bulleted list:

• Huckleberry, my dog, got hit by a car.
• That same dog ate all my carrot cake off the counter so any sympathy I had from the car thing was gone immediately.

Huckleberry doing a great job hiding what is surely a nasty case of post-traumatic stress disorder

• I ate a lot of food.

-JL